Chuck Norris Jokes

I love all the Chuck Norris Jokes lately.  Here’s a selections of the ones I liked the most:

#  If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

#  There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

#  Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

#  Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

#  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

#  Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

#  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

#  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

#  There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

#  When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

#  Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

#  Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

#  Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

#  Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Short Stories: The Tent

The Doors night out – Crazy dreams: March 03 2006

The night is complete darkness but somehow there is a light that allows me to see the the two wolfs that are outside the tent.  The area surrounding my tent is boggy, wet and moist with tufts of grass that make the ground uneven.  The female wolf wants in the tent.  She just wants to lie beside me but there are other intentions.  Of what, i’m not sure.  Part of me thinks the wolf wants to eat me.  The other part thinks that it might just want to lie and sleep beside me for warmth.  But either way, i’m not entirely sure.   I let the wolf sleep beside me because I need the warmth as it’s a cold boggy night but I didn’t want to close my eyes next to the wolf because I couldn’t trust it.  Feeling uncomfortable, I decide to push the wolf out. It fights a little but leaves with it’s mate and does not return.

I fall asleep only to awake to see a single aged cougar pace back and forth outside my tent flashing it’s teeth.  After a while it lunges for me and now a knife is involved.  I thrust it into the beast and it runs away to a safe distant and continues to pace looking at me in my tent.  It makes repeated attacks and then disapears into the wilderness.

Moments later, a midget couple arrive and want to sleep in my tent. They want to be with me.  The female midget wants sex with me but nothing else.  There is no connection and i don’t want to have sex with her.  The midget boyfriend is speechless, emotionless; he’s only doing what his partner wants.  I contemplate having sex with the midget lady and then decide against it. I ask them to leave.  The midget lady fights and screams and then grabs the knife that is in the tent and starts to lash at me.  I pick her up by the front of her coat and carry her out like a piece of luggage.  She is crying and wanting to be with me.  The boyfriend leaves as quietly as he came.

A mad witch gets in my tent.  She has the knife and she starts attacking me with it.  I fend her off battling to get control over the knife.  I succeed.  She laughs and says she sorry.  I accept her apology.  She grabs the knife and goes for my throat, cutting it slightly.  I wrestle once again with her, grab the knife, punch her square in the nose, turn her around and put her hand behind her back and call 999 from my cell phone that somehow arrived in my hand.

Lance M. Pope – 3 March 2006

Short Stories: 7th Year Anniversary

Trapped in a motionless body.  I can’t read, write, move, think.  My body is numb with the thought of losing you forever.  I have no desire, no motive for life.  The thrill has gone.  You were my sun, my center and without you i have no light.  I’m in the dark searching with my arms stretched out for you knowing that you are not there.

As i look at the moon i think of your face and wonder where you are and what you’re doing.  Are you having fun?  How could you be enjoying yourself while i wollow in misery thinking only of you.

I watch the clock waiting for a message, a call, something to make me think that you are thinking of me.  I wait in silence, hoping for a sign that you will come to see me.  The call doesn’t come and no sign is given.

I live in your essence, i smell you as i walk, i feel you on my body when i sleep.  I’m living in a coffin of our past love.

Why is life so cruel?  Why has our love died like the distant past of heroes long buried in the graves of honor.

I’m dizzy, my breath is short, my shoulders hunched, my vision blurry.  I can’t lift my head because i have nothing to look at above the ground.

My heart beats nervously not producing enough blood for my head, arms or legs.  It has crumbled under the weight of losing you.  It has lost it’s desire to beat like it did when you were in my life.

Lance M. Pope – 6 Sept 2008