Chuck Norris Jokes

I love all the Chuck Norris Jokes lately.  Here’s a selections of the ones I liked the most:

#  If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

#  There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

#  Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

#  Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

#  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

#  Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

#  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

#  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

#  There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

#  When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

#  Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

#  Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

#  Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

#  Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Short Stories: The Tent

The Doors night out – Crazy dreams: March 03 2006

The night is complete darkness but somehow there is a light that allows me to see the the two wolfs that are outside the tent.  The area surrounding my tent is boggy, wet and moist with tufts of grass that make the ground uneven.  The female wolf wants in the tent.  She just wants to lie beside me but there are other intentions.  Of what, i’m not sure.  Part of me thinks the wolf wants to eat me.  The other part thinks that it might just want to lie and sleep beside me for warmth.  But either way, i’m not entirely sure.   I let the wolf sleep beside me because I need the warmth as it’s a cold boggy night but I didn’t want to close my eyes next to the wolf because I couldn’t trust it.  Feeling uncomfortable, I decide to push the wolf out. It fights a little but leaves with it’s mate and does not return.

I fall asleep only to awake to see a single aged cougar pace back and forth outside my tent flashing it’s teeth.  After a while it lunges for me and now a knife is involved.  I thrust it into the beast and it runs away to a safe distant and continues to pace looking at me in my tent.  It makes repeated attacks and then disapears into the wilderness.

Moments later, a midget couple arrive and want to sleep in my tent. They want to be with me.  The female midget wants sex with me but nothing else.  There is no connection and i don’t want to have sex with her.  The midget boyfriend is speechless, emotionless; he’s only doing what his partner wants.  I contemplate having sex with the midget lady and then decide against it. I ask them to leave.  The midget lady fights and screams and then grabs the knife that is in the tent and starts to lash at me.  I pick her up by the front of her coat and carry her out like a piece of luggage.  She is crying and wanting to be with me.  The boyfriend leaves as quietly as he came.

A mad witch gets in my tent.  She has the knife and she starts attacking me with it.  I fend her off battling to get control over the knife.  I succeed.  She laughs and says she sorry.  I accept her apology.  She grabs the knife and goes for my throat, cutting it slightly.  I wrestle once again with her, grab the knife, punch her square in the nose, turn her around and put her hand behind her back and call 999 from my cell phone that somehow arrived in my hand.

Lance M. Pope – 3 March 2006

Short Stories: 7th Year Anniversary

Trapped in a motionless body.  I can’t read, write, move, think.  My body is numb with the thought of losing you forever.  I have no desire, no motive for life.  The thrill has gone.  You were my sun, my center and without you i have no light.  I’m in the dark searching with my arms stretched out for you knowing that you are not there.

As i look at the moon i think of your face and wonder where you are and what you’re doing.  Are you having fun?  How could you be enjoying yourself while i wollow in misery thinking only of you.

I watch the clock waiting for a message, a call, something to make me think that you are thinking of me.  I wait in silence, hoping for a sign that you will come to see me.  The call doesn’t come and no sign is given.

I live in your essence, i smell you as i walk, i feel you on my body when i sleep.  I’m living in a coffin of our past love.

Why is life so cruel?  Why has our love died like the distant past of heroes long buried in the graves of honor.

I’m dizzy, my breath is short, my shoulders hunched, my vision blurry.  I can’t lift my head because i have nothing to look at above the ground.

My heart beats nervously not producing enough blood for my head, arms or legs.  It has crumbled under the weight of losing you.  It has lost it’s desire to beat like it did when you were in my life.

Lance M. Pope – 6 Sept 2008

The Big Brother state–by stealth

Thousands of unaccountable civil servants given access to our most intimate personal information

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Personal information detailing intimate aspects of the lives of every British citizen is to be handed over to government agencies under sweeping new powers. The measure, which will give ministers the right to allow all public bodies to exchange sensitive data with each other, is expected to be rushed through Parliament in a Bill to be published tomorrow.

The new legislation would deny MPs a full vote on such data-sharing. Instead, ministers could authorise the swapping of information between councils, the police, NHS trusts, the Inland Revenue, education authorities, the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Authority, the Department for Work and Pensions and other ministries.

Opponents of the move accused the Government of bringing in by stealth a data-sharing programme that exposed everyone to the dangers of a Big Brother state and one of the most intrusive personal databases in the world. The new law would remove the right to protection against misuse of information by thousands of unaccountable civil servants, they added.

Thomas Hammarberg, the Council of Europe’s commissioner for human rights, said he believed Britain had gone too far in helping to bring about a “surveillance society”. In a report drawing on personal data infringements across Europe but “inspired” by Britain’s plan for a new internet, email and telephone database, he added: “General surveillance raises serious democratic problems which are not answered by the repeated assertion that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. This puts the onus in the wrong place: it should be for states to justify the interferences they seek to make on privacy rights.”

He said he was “very worried about the downgrading of the protections of personal information”, adding: “Of course there has to be a balance to be struck. At the moment we have not got it right.”

David Howarth, the Liberal Democrat justice spokesman, added: “The Government shouldn’t try to sneak through further building blocks of its surveillance state. Unrestricted data-sharing simply increases the risks of data loss. This is particularly troubling since the Government has already shown itself entirely incapable of keeping our personal data safe.”

The data-sharing measure is referred to in the Coroners and Justice Bill outlined in yesterday’s Queen’s Speech. It could, for instance, pave the way for medical records to be sent to the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency to identify drivers who pose a health risk, or school attendance data being handed to the Department for Work and Pensions to verify social security claims made by parents.

But civil rights groups warned that the possibility of public records being transferred to private companies on a minister’s whim was of even greater concern. Under the existing system, public bodies require primary legislation to authorise the transfer of data to another agency. The new plans would end such parliamentary scrutiny by permitting ministers to use secondary legislation without a full vote of MPs. The Bill sets out how ministers would be able to sidestep data protection and human rights laws that prevent public bodies revealing private information.

NO2ID, a group which campaigned against government plans for ID cards and the associated National Identity Register, said the proposals went far beyond data protection and were intended “to build the database state, concealed under a misleading name”. The group’s national co-ordinator, Phil Booth, said: “This is a Bill to smash the rule of law and build the database state in its place. Burying sweeping constitutional change in obscure Bills is an appalling approach. Having proved – and admitted – they cannot be trusted to look after our secrets, they are still determined to steal what privacy we have left. Parliament needs to wake up before it has no say any more.”

Civil liberties groups said the new powers could be used in conjunction with the equally controversial plan for a giant database holding details of people’s emails, telephone calls and internet searches. The Communications Data Bill, which would contain this information, was set for inclusion in yesterday’s Queen’s Speech but will now be part of a consultation paper to be published in January.

Mr Hammarberg said Britain’s poor record on data loss had led to an EU-wide debate about the dangers of a surveillance society. He added: “Data protection is crucial to the upholding of fundamental democratic values: a surveillance society risks infringing this basic right.”

The Ministry of Justice said data-sharing was essential for the delivery of “efficient and effective public services, tackling crime and protecting the public”. “Any draft order would require parliamentary approval and a privacy impact assessment,” said a spokesman. “Additionally, the Information Commissioner would have been invited to comment on the proposals. This will ensure any potential privacy issues and risks are identified and examined.

“The power will be exercised only in circumstances where the sharing of the information is in the public interest and proportionate to the impact on any person adversely affected by it.”

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/the-big-brother-statendashby-stealth-1050576.html